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I realize how incredibly fortunate I am in life. Not always, actually not even often, but sometimes I can see how lucky I am. Financially, my family is relatively stable. Weapos;re not rich or anything but my siblings and I havenapos;t starved a day in our lives. I can afford to go out and not worry too much about having enough money left for cab fare. More often than not I can afford to give some of that money away to people that donapos;t have it. It always leaves me sad I canapos;t give more, always leaves me feeling guilty because maybe I can. Itapos;s not really a moral dilemma, I have a cynic buried deep, deep inside me that knows everyone is entitled to satisfying their own needs first. That little dude can be really convincing.

"You have to find yourself a rich husband," my momma says, laughing. She doesnapos;t really mean it the way it sounds. Weapos;re cooking and I tell her about elaborate meals I want to make. Not everyday food, definitely. Especially for a woman thatapos;s been through some really rough times and has never allowed her kids to notice it by making sure thereapos;s a healthy meal on the table every day.

"I donapos;t need that much money in life. Just enough to make sure I always have an avocado in my kitchen." Itapos;s not a humble statement, but I canapos;t help but stare at it and wonder why the hell is that asking for too much. And the answer is simple and itapos;s an unfair answer. It makes me feel mad that I canapos;t fix it, sad that it matters so much.
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Hi,
My flatmate just realized today that she needs to update her voter registration before she can vote in November.
Can anyone tell me if there is still for her to register, and where would be a good place to do so in the Oakland/Emeryville/Berkeley area?
Thank you,
Jennie
[edit: I just found out the deadline is the 20th, but I still want to find a place that will process the registration iiiiiin time]

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I want to update, but Iapos;m not sure what about. Usually I tell you all whats been going on lately, gripe about something, and thats it, but this entry feels different because my life is different. For the first time, it has direction.

Iapos;ll still gripe. This time about my sister. It took me a lifetime to get to the point I was at with her, where I loved her unconditionally and would go out of my way to do anything for her. And then a few weekends back she set me hurdling back through time, to high school when I hated everything about her. Now I struggle back and forth every day between that deep love, and that unspoken hatred. Funny how the smallest, most insignificant of triggers can set someone off that way. Of course, this time around with her, I think the feelings are more based on frustration that she canapos;t, and wonapos;t mature out of a certan mentality, a certain mode of being, and I canapos;t get through to her or show her her wrongs. And how she wrongs me by doing half of what she does. Iapos;m just hoping, and prayin, that when I move away from here, sheapos;ll be on her own enough to finally realize these things, and sheapos;ll start surrounding herself with people who will nurture and help her, rather than those she currently affiliates with, that enable her to be stuck where she is, and how she is. I want her to get out of Westchester. I want her to be alone, to be scared, to depend on herself and do the right things - not right as defined by me, by friends, by society, but right by her. Right FOR�her. And I know itapos;s what my mother wants too. Unfortunately, my sister, although claiming she wants to do more with herself but hasnapos;t found a direction yet, I feel sheapos;s more in a place where sheapos;s become comfortable, and scared to move forward, and uses her grief for my mother as a protective means from having to do so. Iapos;m not saying I want or need her to know now, at this very moment, what she wants to do with her life, but I do want her to grow up enough to take enough steps in the right direction. Find a job, even if itapos;s something she hates, so that she learns what it is she hates, and can look for what she likes, just to get out there, maybe take a class even if its not school related, yoga even, use her gym membership to set a goal for herself, that she can meet and feel wonderful about, to help motivate her. Instead she sits at home, smokes weed, uses my ID to buy alcohol, visits her boyfriend in the bronx and cleans his apartment whil he works, spends her life insurance money on things she DOES need, like furniture and a car, but then spends hours, days, weeks bragging about them, trying to make everyone feel inferior (even if its subcosciously) so that she can feel better about herself and what sheapos;s doing. She says she doesnapos;t want to turn into my uncle Paul, but sheapos;s already there, and she canapos;t see it. It saddens me greatly. Truly. And I feel as if thereapos;s no making her understand yet. Sheapos;ll have to see it for herself, and I have to be patient, I just worry about the possibily of her not ever seeing or changing it on her own.

Maybe this is why my mother and I always fought. Why mom always fought with grandpa. Maybe Iapos;ve taken on the role of the parent� for my sister. Man, now I never want kids. Lol.

Back to my life - for now.

I�have 6more weeks of class before I start my externship. I donapos;t know yet where theyapos;ll place me for that, I wonapos;t know until itapos;s time to go. The rest of my classmates finish next week. I made the mistake, during my second mod, of staying home and sleeping in instead of going to school, but thatapos;s alright. Iapos;ll stay the extra 5 weeks to make up those 2 classes, and be done. Iapos;ll be a certified medical assistant, EKG tech, and Phlebotomist. After only 180 hours of externship work, Iapos;ll be done and finally able to get a job again.

Joe has been�offered many wonderful positions around the county, because everyone who comes in to the airport to do work for it in one way or another, sees how hardworking he is, and wants to steal him away. So far, heapos;s turned every one of them down - because he knows that taking on a new job will delay our move to Memphis. And weapos;re eager to move.

Warm weather year round, a large city with plenty to do, his family close by (it will actually be collierville, rigt outside of Memphis) a nice quiet area to live in, cheap living, same rate of pay for both our jobs, schools for my career choices and his right down the road, itapos;ll just be great. A fresh start in a lovely area. And my family will ony be a 7 hour drive for when I have empty weekends and miss grandma or Guy and his babies. For the rent we pay now, we could rent a mansion....and houses are so cheap, why rent when we could buy?�Of course although he talks about buying a house, I make it clear that it absolutely wonapos;t happen until AFTER weapos;re married. Heapos;s got another thing coming to him if he thinks Iapos;ll be that careless with my money. Lol

Iapos;ve already applied to Memphisapos; Baptist College of Health Services for their ulrasound program. I will work as a Medical Assistan during the day, and take classes at night. After the year it takes me to get that degree, I will be an Ultrasound technician, working only 2 days a week, as tecs usually do. When this happens, I will continue schooling, at the nearby massage institute, and learn that healing art, so that I have employment doing something I love and enjoy the other 3 days of the week. When Joe and I visit his dad down there for Thanksgiving, Joe will be actively searching for work, so that he may have a job lined up already when we make the big move.

Itapos;s funny - Even now, with how unhappy I am with our situation - living in a really tiny cottage in NY, the winterapos;s coming, we have no more family here, Iapos;m in a school I hate, heapos;s at a job he canapos;t take anymore, this just happened and now we have to deal with that, and why do these things always happen at the worst time, etc.�- we still manage to make things....wonderful. Iapos;m so content with life. Joe and I plus Jackson are a true family - even after a long, terrible day, coming home to one another, and even just coming home to the cat, makes everything happy again. Weapos;r always smiling, cuddling, giggling, even if weapos;re watching a movie for the 500th time after just having wasted the day watching 3 other movies for their 500th time. If we have a fight, which doesnapos;t happen often, we always talk things out calmly, rationally, respecting one anotherapos;s feelings, there are always sincere apologies involved - usually initiated by him, because heapos;s a hell of a lot less stubborn than I am�- and weapos;re not afraid to address all issues, so that you can literally forgive and forget. He always thinks about me - We went grocery shopping last week, and as we were making the list, he writes down "Egg Nog". He hates the stuff, and I had never mentioned it beforehand, but he recognized it was egg nog season, (Before I even realized it) and that I would want some. This past Sunday, we were bored, and he said "Lets go pumpkin picking" because he knows what it means to me. And ever since, heapos;s been bugging me to carve it together. (I just wanted to wait until today, when he doesnapos;t have to think or worry about work.) Itapos;s refreshing, after having been with guys in the past who never go out of their way for you like that, you have to force things on them, and then they make you feel bad about it. (And no Dave, that doesnapos;t include you lol). He did the cutest thing a few weekends ago. He andI went to a bar with some friends, and one of those friends brough 2 girlfriends....so when introductions were being made, My friend says "This is Kim (Hi, nice to meet you)�and This is Joe..." to which Joe immediately says "Kimapos;s boyfrend, Joe, nice to meet you." I�got all googly-eyed for him, because upon meetng a cute girl for the first tme, the first thing he did was establish that he was taken, and not trying to hide that from anyone. Iapos;ve never had anyone do that before

He makes me happy. Truly happy. And just as he replied to Jillianapos;s drunk uncle�at her wedding last month, I canapos;t picture my life without him. (Of course, I cant picure my life without Jackson either, but if Jackson were a human being, HEapos;D be the love of my life for sure.)

So that sums up my entry for now. Life is happy, content, and wonderful, and only going to get better. I have goals, and actually working towards them. Iapos;ll be posting pictures and videos soon, mostly of Jackson, because after looking at Kyleapos;s entry of cats, I want to show off my baby too, lol. Or rather, Joeapos;s:�"MY�BABY�Not yours�Go find your own baby, he wants to cuddle with�ME�Jackson,I love you, do you love me?" ("Mrowwww" - which sounds like "Noooooo") lol.

Ok, seriously, Iapos;m done.
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